I want to walk on stilts...naked
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
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