My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
