Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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