I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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