I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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