Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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