this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
