Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
