i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
