apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
