I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Randomize
