To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Can you bring me the toilet please
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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