i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
