so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
