at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
