You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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