I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
