so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
