No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
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