Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
