just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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