I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
