Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
