he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
