He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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