I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
