dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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