I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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