i jhust puked up my retainher.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
