all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
