Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
His nipple licking is glorious
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