Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
