how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
