Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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