don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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