Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
