1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
