cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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