I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
