Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
