Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
