I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
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