Your mouth is God's brothel.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
