cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Randomize
