I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Randomize
