i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
