I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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