I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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