Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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