The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
