he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
