the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
