So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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