note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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