Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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