dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
