Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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